EFT Advanced Trained
EMDR Certified
Underneath the repeating arguments, distance and tension is a longing to feel close again.
Even when you're with your partner you constantly feel alone at best and criticized or frustrated at worst. You’re stuck in the same cycles of misunderstanding which only lead to more hurt, disappointment and disconnection.
Perhaps you're struggling with a specific set of issues such as difficulties around finances, parenting, sex, or work-life balance. Maybe there's been a betrayal such as infidelity, addiction or other big "let downs" in the relationship. Or maybe you're not sure where to start. You just know that you need a new way of reaching your partner.
EFT is an evidence-based approach to therapy that allows you and your partner to talk about disagreements in more constructive ways and rebuild trust, intimacy, love, connection, confidence and pleasure into your relationship
Most couples have similar or identical fights over and over again irrespective of what they are arguing about. For example; when one person is upset, they might say something which the other partner perceives as critical, which triggers a natural defensiveness, which leads to an argument.
Conflict will typically follow a similar pattern regardless of the content of the conversation. You might be discussing taking out the trash, lack of sex, parenting issues, finances, or past hurts. This is because unmet relational and emotional needs are often being expressed through the conflict. These may include themes such as ‘Can I trust you?’, ‘Do you value me?’, and ‘Can I count on you to be here when I need you"
In EFT, we slow things down to help each partner notice what’s really happening beneath the surface of this repeating “negative cycle” of communication. The goal is to help you express
We explore:
The specific triggers for each of you which lead to disconnection or conflict.
Why your attempts to reach your partner don’t land the way you hope they will and instead, lead to triggering your partner, and what and how to change
The automatic reactions that follow- and what those reactions are trying to protect
How this all adds up to a repeating, consistent “negative cycle” between you
The underlying emotions & relational needs which we are often unaware of or unsure how to communicate to our partners which fuel these reactions in the first place.
By slowing the conversation down in this way, you and your partner will begin to develop not just an intellectual understanding of where you get stuck, but you will also begin to intuitively notice and call it out it in real time. This type of noticing will begin to create space for you to do something different.
During this process, I will also help you try out numerous strategies for avoiding this negative cycle; this means that I will help you express the same needs in ways which are clear, compassionate, andare more likely to receive positively and vice versa. With enough repetition, and experiences of successfully getting your partner to understand you and vice versa, your brain will naturally default to this healthier style of communication as "the new normal".
Couples therapy with me is about more than just improving communication. It’s about reshaping the foundation of your relationship so you never encounter these problems again.
EFT goes beyond helping couples stop fighting. In fact, EFT sees the day to day conflict and disconnection in of itself as a symptom not a root cause.
We are wired to expect certain specific "attachment needs" from our partner. We unconsciously ask ourselves questions such as:
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Can I trust my partner?
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Am I safe with my partner?
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Does my partner understand me?
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Does my partner desire me?
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Does my partner see me as worthy?
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Can I get it right for my partner?
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Can I count on my partner to be there- both emotionally and physically, when I need them?
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Am I worthy in my partner's eyes?
When the answer to such questions has been “no” or “I’m not sure,” for a long time, communication tools alone rarely create lasting change. This is because these needs are central to feeling secure in a relationship. In that sense, relying on communication tools alone can be like trying to build a house on a shaky foundation.
In the second part of therapy, we will work directly with these deeper needs in a structured way. The goal is to change the unconscious answer to these questions from "no" or "maybe or "it depends" to a resounding "yes". This part of therapy is deeply experiential- it's not about giving you tools or techniques. It's about changing the "felt sense" in your relationship to one of security and a deep sense of belonging together on a foundational level.
It is during this time that we will also do a deeper dive into past hurts such as infidelity, addiction, or abuse in a way that helps couples truly move forward.
By the end of our work, many couples feel closer than they have in years or decades- sometimes closer than they’ve ever felt. For some, it’s the first time a relationship has truly felt like home.
This deeper process is why EFT is the only couples therapy model consistently shown to create long-term, lasting change.
A natural byproduct of this therapy is that you and your partner can solve the problems that brought you here to begin with. Once you feel like you truly have your partner back and that you're on the same team, this opens the door to newfound creativity and flexibility in solving your problems. For more about this, see my FAQ.
EFT Can Help You…
Name the patterns of communication which leave you feeling stuck and unable to reach your partner and learn how to bridge the gap
Identify and believe in strengths- yours, your partner’s and your relationships as a foundation to lean back on when things are difficult
Create a safe enough relationship culture such that new, more positive styles of communication become available to you and your relationship
Learn how to get in touch with and express how you feel to your partner from a place of vulnerability- so that conflict can become a source of connection instead of loneliness and hurt
Reshape your relationship such that you both feel secure, loved, valued, safe and connected